babyshrink.com

When your baby becomes a toddler, it’s very exciting. But with all his new skills comes the need to set firm and consistent limits; both for his safety, and for your sanity! Lots of you wonder how, and when, to give a Time Out to a toddler. And is it OK to do it, even if he doesn’t “understand” the concept? Reader Kelly has this dilemma:

Dr. Heather,

My 14-month-old son has developed a scratching habit. It started with him scratching me for a reaction. I would firmly say, “NO, scratching hurts mommy.” This led to more scratching. He does it if he’s angry, or just because. I tried Time-Out, but I’m not sure he’s understanding the concept. We’re trying Dr. Harvey Karp’s “toddlerese” which doesn’t seem to work with the scratching, because most of the time he seems to do it out of the blue, and I don’t know what he’s feeling in order to show I understand his needs. Any ideas on ways to prevent this?

Kelly From Maryland

Dear Kelly,

A 14-month-old is just starting to get the idea that using his new-found skills in controlling his body can lead to some interesting results. Your baby was used to being the passive recipient of action all day; people picking him up, putting him down, giving (or taking away) food, toys, or arms of comfort.

Now that he can walk and better control his body, it’s a whole new ballgame. HE gets to be in control! HE gets to experiment with ways of getting (and keeping) your attention. He’s also not quite sure how to modulate the force of his touch, either. He’s experimenting with what’s OK; how hard (or soft) to touch others. So, your approach should be to model nice, gentle touching, and to provide consistent, firm limits when he’s aggressive.

Focus on how to touch others nicely. Point out how well he touches others, when he’s in the act. “I see you petting the kitty so gently. What a nice job!” Demonstrate with his peers. “Can you show your cousin how you touch nicely? I like how you patted her back so softly.” Do lots of positive reinforcement of the behavior you want him to repeat.

Other times, he will need limits. When you say you’re not sure he understands the concept of Time Out; I’m sure you’re right. A 14-month-old certainly won’t “understand” it, at least until he’s experienced it many, many times, consistently, for the same offenses. But Time Outs have a cumulative effect, and soon, he’ll get the message.

Try this three-part approach:

1. Immediately (and briefly) explain the infraction, and the consequence. “No scratching. Time Out.” Use a firm, but low voice; you want to get his attention, but not let him think he’s got you really upset. (You don’t want to reward him if he’s just doing it to get your attention.)
2. Find a convenient corner or other area that’s removed from the usual action. Sit with him, and have him face the corner. At 14 months, you’ll probably have to gently hold him there for the duration of the time out. At this age, I would suggest 30-60 seconds, depending on your child’s temperament. (Some get the message more quickly than others!) When he protests, simply repeat, in the same, low voice, “No scratching. Time Out.” Don’t get into explaining or yelling. He won’t understand it anyway. You just want him to realize that scratching immediately results in Time Out.
3. And when Time Out is over; it’s OVER. Say, “Time Out’s all done.” And then move on; don’t lecture or rehash the event, or ask him to apologize. At this age, all you can hope for is that he’ll internalize some control over his aggression.

It’s also a good age to start showing him there’s a time and place for everything. Make sure he has ample opportunity to get physical; throwing, kicking, climbing, and yelling during playtime, every day. Toddlers need a solid, physical playtime of at least 45 minutes each day, as long as there are no health issues. Let him know that he is allowed to express his aggressive feelings, at the appropriate time and place. A toddler who is run into the ground at the park is far less likely to scratch, bite and yell at home! WEAR HIM OUT. Play chase, jump up and down, yell and holler, climb and roll. Then give him the opportunity to destroy things, when allowed; tearing paper, dumping items out of bins, and making (allowed) messes like finger painting are all good ways to positively channel a toddler’s aggression and energy. Then when he’s with you, he’s more likely to be calm and gentle.

As your little guy develops, soon he’ll learn that he can avoid Time-Outs by paying attention to the behaviors you’re reinforcing. “Catch” him behaving nicely, and give him a lot of praise when he does. That way, you’ll be able to use Time Outs infrequently.

Hope that helps. And check out more on my strategies with other Annoying Toddler Behaviors!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

When a new baby joins the family, it’s normal for the couple to go through a re-organization of roles. A common struggle has to do with power and control. Who makes the decisions? About what? Who has “final” say about parenting? This often crops up in arguments about seemingly petty things; but they don’t FEEL petty while we’re in the midst of the struggle. I can’t tell you how many times I argued with BabyShrink’s Hubby about how often the stupid Diaper Genie needed to be changed. See reader Amy’s question below for a similar struggle.

Dear Dr. Heather,

My husband and I are disagreeing over what color to paint our impending child’s room.

In a nutshell, this is the disagreement: I want to paint the room pale green; my husband wants to paint it orange. Yes, orange. I told my husband that orange is too vibrant for a baby’s bedroom, that orange is a color that will stimulate the mind - possibly too much. The last thing I want is (another) child who won’t sleep, and if there’s a chance orange will enable or worsen daytime sleep problems, I do not want orange. He says it would be a light orange - but not peach - and that I’m crazy.

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer.

Sincerely,

Amy, www.thetextureofthings.com

Hi Amy,

It is possible your baby MAY have some preference or reaction to a paint color, but not likely until she can look around and focus her eyes, and then only if she has a sensory issue. You won’t know until you learn about your new baby’s temperament.

But what I think is even more important (and probably the underlying issue?) is the question of Who Makes the Decisions About This Baby? Mom or Dad? Perhaps your hubby is simply looking for a way to feel he is contributing to the decisions being made about the baby. Many Dads feel pushed to the side; like they are “chopped liver” in the parenting department. Taking A Stand on a little issue like paint color might be the way he is asserting his parental authority; saying he cares about what happens when the baby arrives, and wants to be involved.

Dads often feel helpless and useless with a new baby. I remember a friend of ours, a tough guy named Zak. True story: Zak was “all guy”, from old-school Boston. When he and his wife had their first baby, we asked him how it was going. “My wife does everything….feeds the baby, changes him, bathes him…all he wants is her. I want to help so badly, but it seems like there’s nothing I can do. Last night I felt so frustrated I just went and sat in my truck and cried.” We still have a good chuckle over the image of poor tough-guy Zak, crying in his truck.

But the message is poignant: Dads want to contribute…need to contribute…can contribute, in very meaningful ways.

Now I know that sometimes, their efforts can be…well, let’s say, a little misguided. (I mean, seriously, orange?! I feel your pain!) But maybe this is an opportunity to make sure Dad has his say, and is made to feel like a partner in making important parenting decisions about this baby. It’s an issue that will crop up over and over again while your baby grows through different developmental stages…a dance you and your hubby will continue to do together.

But the bottom line is, your baby will benefit from Dad’s full participation, even if her room is day-glo orange.

Good luck, and happy painting!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

Hello Dr. Heather,

My husband and I have a 6-year-old son, a 4-year-old daughter, and a baby due in early August. We are moving across the country about two weeks after I have the baby. My husband will be attending graduate school in our new city. We were settled here and I’m having a really hard time with this. The kids are, too, though not as much as me. My daughter threw a penny in the fountain the other day and said “I wish we didn’t have to move.” My son was really looking forward to starting first grade with his kindergarten friends, and he’s quite upset from time to time, although not every day. Currently, we are still searching for a place to live there, and we have just sold our home here, which we all love, and so everything feels so unsettled.  I moved in the middle of second grade and still remember how traumatized I was by it, although my dad had lost his job, so there were some other difficulties going on in my family. I don’t want to project my childhood onto them, in addition to the sadness I’m feeling now.

My question is, how do I make this transition go as smoothly as it can for them, and how much does my sadness about this situation transfer to them?

Thanks,

You can call me “Emily”.

Dear “Emily”,

Did you see my recent post about moving?  I’m getting lots of questions like that at this time of year.

I do understand your concerns; it’s a big deal for me too; we moved several times in my childhood, and I am pretty sensitive about the issue. Uprooting your life is no small thing. The familiarity of your routine, the process of making new friends, adjusting to new jobs and schools; it’s harder than most people realize. But for young kids, it’s a lot easier.

It sounds to me like the challenge is going to be more for you, not the kids. Wow, Mama, you have your hands full! Moving 2 weeks post-baby? With 2 other little kids? Yowza! That’s a huge job, physically and emotionally. And your past negative experience with moving is likely to haunt you, to some degree.

YES, your kids totally pick up on your emotional reaction to the move. You (and their Dad) are their main emotional signposts, at least until they get to about second grade. In order to get through this with as little stress as possible, you need to lean on your husband as well as anyone else you can; family? Friends? Clergy?  Don’t hold back on asking for help.

Do you have any risk factors for postpartum depression? Please keep that in mind, especially in the 2-week-plus-postpartum period, when PPD is most likely to strike. That much change and stress — moving and a new baby, with two little ones, a whole new city, as well as your own childhood history of the difficult move…it all raises your risk for depression. Ask your husband to help monitor your mood as well. Make sure you hook up with an OB/GYN as soon as you get to your new city — and make sure you go in for a checkup. There are lots of resources available online to help you find a counselor if you need one.

Try to look at it all as an adventure. Help the kids see how to handle change in a positive way. Look at this as an opportunity to have a “re-do” on your own negative childhood experience of moving. This is not the same thing as when you were a kid; this is not an unfortunate turn of events that you all have to live with. This is you and your hubby making a decision for the ultimate good of the family. You have a chance to do it again…but different. Better.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

I spent the day at Evans World Headquarters, letting my two-year-old nap and hang loose with the Evans kids, while my five and seven-year-olds whooped it up at Disneyland with Dad. It was the first time in a year that we’d been behind the Orange Curtain, and it was great to spend time with our awesome friends, despite the challenges of vacationing with three young children.  (I’ll have several posts about that coming up, I promise.) I peeked over Danny’s shoulder as he put the finishing touches on his latest post, and when I saw a link to BabyShrink, I freaked. You see, I’m still (still!) in the process of getting the glitches worked out of my new site redesign. I’ve gotten tons of compliments, particularly about my fantastic logo, created by my old friend and super-talented graphics and brand designer, Glenn Sakamoto. Yet I’ve been furiously (trying to!) communicate with my web guy about what appear to me to be glaring mistakes and problems with the operations of the site. It’s nowhere near perfect yet. Good Enough, but not perfect. And the readership at DadGoneMad is massive, compared to mine. A link from Danny can singlehandedly shoot my readership into the stratosphere. So when he links to me (usually without warning me in advance, like today), I feel the pressure. I’d better have something good posted! And, yikes! What about those broken graphics and disorganized sections?!  

After a mini-meltdown, I asked Danny for advice. What do I write about, now that my site is acting up and you’re sending hoards of DGM fans over to check me out? Write about that, he said, in his minimalist editorial way. Show your readers that their struggles are your struggles, Grasshoppah.

So I’m here at 1 am, scratching out a post in longhand, because the wireless in this hotel sucks. And I’m thinking about the main message here at BabyShrink, the message of Good Enough parenting. Not perfect parenting, just Good Enough. So, just like my imperfect website does a Good Enough job of answering your questions (I hope), it’s all a work in progress; like our kids are, and as we are, as parents.

BabyShrink is about developing confidence as parents, to understand our own unique children, despite what the “experts” (including me) tell you is best.  It’s about trusting the powerful, driving force of development in our kids that amazingly results in a Good Enough outcome, most of the time. It’s about being realistic in this spectacularly miraculous, yet incredibly demanding journey of raising children. It’s about letting go of the need for perfection, and letting go of the need to control how our kids ultimately turn out. And it’s about taking a chill pill when our kids (or our websites) don’t perform up to our (unrealistic) expectations.

I’ve been nurturing BabyShrink along through it’s own developmental stages, and the transition to this latest stage has been a little rocky. And instead of focusing on the successes of the site - a loyal, interested and supportive readership, the ability to reach thousands of parents, not to mention my own deep sense of fulfillment and excitement about the project - sometimes I get lost in the details of what should be happening; what’s not going well. But like a baby learning to walk, it’s a beautiful thing, despite the wobbles. And sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

So I have the privilege of sharing BabyShrink with you, growing pains and all. I hope you find it to be Good Enough.

As always, I welcome your questions. My turnaround time is usually one to two weeks, but I’m still answering every question that’s submitted. I have a couple of posts coming up about summertime challenges and traveling with kids (I’m doing a little bit of “research” on that now!), as well as my first podcast, which will be a series on coping with being a new mom.

And now, I’m going to Disneyland!

Hi Dr. Heather,

My 19-month-old screams at the top of his lungs, “MYYYYYYY” for everything! Yes, we know it comes from not getting his way - most of the time. Quite often, though, we can be happily watching The Backyardigans and he starts screeching out of control for no reason. We’ve tried ignoring, we’ve tried yelling, we’ve even tried bottom-swatting. Help, please!

Landlocked in Louisville,

Amy

Hi Amy,

Little kids need to be able to make noise, and we need to be able to hear ourselves think (once in awhile). With these conflicting needs in mind, you can let them make noise, but only within certain parameters. At 19 months, he is loving the fact that he can consciously control his body and his actions, to a greater degree now. So you have to respect that, and give him an appropriate outlet for for his gleeful screaming. You don’t want to use punishment for something like this; you’ll just risk an escalation of the behavior as part of his naturally being oppositional at this age.

In our house, the kids are allowed to make as much noise as they can possibly create, but only in their bedrooms, the playroom, or outside. The living room and other common areas require “inside voices”.

Explain the new rules to him, once all the adults are on the same page. You want everyone to be consistent if you want the new rules to stick. At 19 months, your little guy will require reminding, but you can make it a game. “You feel like screaming? Let’s go to the screaming room!” and then start screaming your head off, once you’re there. Have him try to scream louder than you. THEN, make a big deal out of using “inside voices” in other rooms. Tiptoe around, talk quietly, have him follow suit; but make it fun. Soon he’ll get the picture!

And check out my Toddlers section for more tips.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink